I HATE PMS

So I have recently experienced what I believe is PMS. The symptoms? Being a bitch to people I care about, crying (for little or no reason), and being depressive and insensitive. I really wanna apologize to everyone I offended...so I'll do that soon. I don't think I've ever experienced PMS, especially not to this degree. Last night I sobbed into my pillow, cried myself to sleep. I don't cry. Ever. When I cry, there normally aren't any tears. It was weird, but somehow satisfying for me to cry then, though. It kinda felt like a release, and after a while I tried forcing the tears and the sobbing out of my body, just to release more of the tension.

My past has led me to this state. I grew up teaching myself that crying meant weakness, and that I had to be stubborn and unyielding enough to not cry ever. Mostly family problems and such led to this. So now it takes an immense amount of stress, sadness, and hormonal imbalance that comes with being a woman on her period for me to cry. Haha. Anyway, I'm not trying to make this a sob story, but it IS my background. I did have a time in my life when I was clinically depressed, and since then, I hardly ever cry. To cry a lot would be like going back to that miserable point in my life, something I never want to do. However, I do believe that it's these things that make us stronger. We'd all be as tough as cotton balls if our lives were easy. I guess I'm really really optimistic now. If I weren't, I think I'd fall apart. Some people have it worse than me, some people have it better. I judge how hard my life has been by how hard it's struck me. There hasn't been tragic death in my life, nor a lot of physical pain. But there are memories that still haunt me. Gosh, I'm being depressive now aren't I? I guess it's because I can still stand upright with the weight of everything. (I just noticed, but do you think I'm sounding more and more poetic with these posts? Guess that's the nature of my writing)

I wonder how or why the body produces tears. When one is sad, what is the use of losing water? why should we spill this substance from our body when we're not feeling good? Are we connected with nature in this respect? Because we choose to think that rain means sadness, that a gray sky signifies troubled times, do our minds then make our bodies rain as well? My god, I have strange ideas. And the human body amazes me.

It's 2:30am, and I'm unable to sleep. So this is what I do. I let my thoughts flow into my fingers which then compute into text. What's with me and this whole poetic thing? Maybe I should post like this all the time. It's more fun this way. It'd be even more fun if people actually read this. And commented. *Hint Hint*

If you're reading this, and if it's because I told you to, you know who you are... I'm sorry if I hurt you. Now you know why. I know that doesn't excuse anything. Please forgive me.
As always
またね
見知子です
Holy shit. Long post. Didn't realize. I'm sorry. Lots of. Two word. Sentences, eh? <-that one sucked...