NEW BLOG!!!!

My Blog has MOVED!!!
Please go to http://www.michikoanekangaete.blogspot.com/ to see my new posts!

Long time, No see...

Alright. It's been a while, I know. I'm down in Virginia visiting my mom. Tomorrow, I fly back to Vermont. Sooooo... in the past week, a lot of things have happened to me.

Biggest thing: I'm changing my major again. I finally realized that I should be doing what I like doing. Not music education, because that would just be too much work. I'd have to take care of kids and a music library, and instruments, and there are too many different things that I would have to concentrate on with that job. My scatterbrain couldn't handle it. I need something more "black and white" as my mom would call it. So I was thinking about business. It seemed like a stable career, it had enough options to choose from. But you know what? It's not right. I can feel it. And I was reflecting about how I didn't know what I wanted to do, and my mom said that I just had to do what I liked to do. Well, thinking about what I liked to do, I could only come up with Japanese... it's the only thing I like studying for. Actually... I study for it when I'm bored. It doesn't seem like a job ever. Playing the clarinet was always a job or a chore. Studying for economics or thinking about the financial system of the country always seemed like it was over my head. Japanese is just fun. The only thing was, I thought of it as more of a hobby.

Then... I was thinking: Japanese COULD be a job. I was reading a manga at the time, and I thought about how it gets to the state it is so that Americans can read it. Well, wouldn't you know, they need a translator, an editor, a proofreader... I could do all that stuff! I'm a grammar/spelling freak, so in the process of translating text, I'm going to be adjusting grammar and I'll always have good spelling. So why couldn't I be a translator for an Anime or Manga company? It would be sooo cool! And if that didn't work out... well my sister and mom work at a cancer center hospital thing, and they're always calling for translators, as are different companies and hospitals and... well as long as I took some medical terminology course (which you can do online) I could always fall back to that! It seems almost too perfect. But why do something that I only sort of like, and am really terrible at, when I can do something I like that I'm really good at? DUH! I'm also going to minor in Film and TV studies, because it kinda goes along with anime. And I can use it in a business fashion too, as film and TV is an industry that has some international relations stuff...

Another thing I realized, is that I'm a little crazy. Joe didn't talk to me for like 3 days and I was flipping out. I haven't been sleeping well either, so that's been making me grouchy. And I'm just really insecure. I don't even know why, because Joe makes me feel incredibly safe and secure. I'm probably taking for granted what we have. I'm going to stop doing that, and accept that he can't be there for me 24/7 since we're not even living in the same state. >_< It's my fault for getting angry, and it was a little unjustified.

So another thing. I'm in Virginia... and you would think that it would have been nice and warm, right? Nope. There was one day this week that was 70 degrees. The rest were cold. It even snowed one morning. And we were supposed to go to the beach today, but we couldn't because it was cold and rainy. Grr.

I go back to school tomorrow. I have to study for a calculus midterm that I have on Monday... ewww. I also have a Japanese midterm on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned about that... ^_^

Wow. I had a lot to say, I guess. I'm kinda just waiting for Joe to get back from a concert so I can talk to him some more. I get to see him next week!!! So excited!!!

mata ne. I don't know when the next post will be, but I'll try to do it soon...

Frustration much?

Alright. From the title you can probably guess that I'm pretty damn frustrated. I don't know if I even wanna deal with anyone right now. For most people, I'm not even mad at them, I just can't bring myself to be happy. I kinda want to be left alone, but then again, I don't. I'm just so torn between all these things that are happening to me and I don't know how to deal with them. There doesn't seem to be any decision that I can make that would leave me feeling happy, or even just okay... This sucks a lot.
and, yet again... I don't know what to do...

Hmmph

Well... I had an interesting weekend. So I got really scared of the gentlemen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean legitimately out-of-my-mind scared. It was horrible. They terrify me. Joss Whedon is crazy, but he's also brilliant. Dollhouse is fantastic too!

So I don't know why I'm upset about this, but Joe hasn't talked to me much in the last couple of days. We talked a bit last night but... still. He doesn't answer his phone, and I really want to hear his voice. He's not a bad boyfriend, and I'm angry at myself for getting so upset about it... but a 5 minute call wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I hope I'm not over-reacting again...

Anyway. So I'm considering going to the doctor (again), because for the past week I've been having these on and off cramps. They seem like the PMS-y kind but they're sharper and shorter-lasting. Technically you're supposed to see a doctor if cramps last for more than 3 or 4 days but I don't want to make it seem like more than it is. For all I know, it could just be my birth control. Ugh. I'll go on like Tuesday or Thursday if I'm not better (or if I don't get my period) by tomorrow. Stupid body with its stupid problems. Grrr.

Other than that, Program Director stuff for next year is going alright. It's going to be hard to choose people to put into our program... we'll manage though. Program fair on Wednesday!

Not much else going on. Two midterms on Thursday. Econ at 4 and Japanese oral exam at 6:30... >.< not really fun, but I'll just have to deal with it...

It's going to be a busy week. Tuesday I'm going to see Slumdog Millionaire, and we're making stuff for the Program Fair, which is on Wednesday. Thursday I have two midterms and our Art Gallery is opening at 6:00. Friday I'm going home with some of my stuff and hopefully moving some of my possesions into the new house. Then next Monday I'm flying down to Virginia to see my mom!

Busy Busy!

Ah, New Post

I just happen to feel like posting. I'm sorry I unleashed some emotions in the last post; I've pretty much sorted those out...

So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.

So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...

Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.

I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...

Mata ne!

FUUUUUCK!!!

Why?! Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do people have to ruin what I try so hard to get? I just try and try and try and I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...

I'm not the person I want to be... or rather, I'm not the person that I think everyone else wants me to be...

So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?

So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^

I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.

Wow...

Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry as much as I have been. He seems to really love me, and he doesn't want to leave me. He knows that the future is unpredictable... but he told me he won't leave me anytime soon. As vague as that sounds, it's still really comforting to know that he'll be around for a while. We're being as optimistic as possible. So I'm content for the moment.

Or am I?

I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.

Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.

Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.

Well that's all the news I have to update you with.

Mata ne.

Is this what it's come to?

Some information has come to my attention which has caused me to delete this post. Sorry.

Hold the phone!

Whoa. What a weekend. I visited my boyfriend in New York and it was AMAZING...
I know he's not going to read this so I guess I can just say... I think he's the one. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me, at least not yet, which makes me a little sad but I'll get over it. I was so sad to leave him this morning. I cried at the train station as I was saying goodbye. And then I cried on the train, too. It's so strange how love changes you. I used to not be so emotional. I really really love him. I wanted to apply to his college so I could be with him, but there are many reasons why I just couldn't do that. I would love to change my life for him, but what if he stops loving me? I'm just left with a life that I'm not happy with, and that wouldn't do me any good. If I could guarantee that I wasn't risking that much to be with him, I would totally go to where he is... but the fact is that I would be risking a lot, so I just can't. :(
I've got bronchitis, and it sucks. It seems to have gotten worse on the train back. I hate coughing. It sucks a lot. I'm gonna sleep...