So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?
So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^
I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Are You Ready for This?
Ok here goes.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...
I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.
So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...
I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...
Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.
So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.
So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.
I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.
Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...
またね
美知子
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...
I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.
So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...
I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...
Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.
So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.
So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.
I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.
Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...
またね
美知子
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I HATE PMS
So I have recently experienced what I believe is PMS. The symptoms? Being a bitch to people I care about, crying (for little or no reason), and being depressive and insensitive. I really wanna apologize to everyone I offended...so I'll do that soon. I don't think I've ever experienced PMS, especially not to this degree. Last night I sobbed into my pillow, cried myself to sleep. I don't cry. Ever. When I cry, there normally aren't any tears. It was weird, but somehow satisfying for me to cry then, though. It kinda felt like a release, and after a while I tried forcing the tears and the sobbing out of my body, just to release more of the tension.
My past has led me to this state. I grew up teaching myself that crying meant weakness, and that I had to be stubborn and unyielding enough to not cry ever. Mostly family problems and such led to this. So now it takes an immense amount of stress, sadness, and hormonal imbalance that comes with being a woman on her period for me to cry. Haha. Anyway, I'm not trying to make this a sob story, but it IS my background. I did have a time in my life when I was clinically depressed, and since then, I hardly ever cry. To cry a lot would be like going back to that miserable point in my life, something I never want to do. However, I do believe that it's these things that make us stronger. We'd all be as tough as cotton balls if our lives were easy. I guess I'm really really optimistic now. If I weren't, I think I'd fall apart. Some people have it worse than me, some people have it better. I judge how hard my life has been by how hard it's struck me. There hasn't been tragic death in my life, nor a lot of physical pain. But there are memories that still haunt me. Gosh, I'm being depressive now aren't I? I guess it's because I can still stand upright with the weight of everything. (I just noticed, but do you think I'm sounding more and more poetic with these posts? Guess that's the nature of my writing)
I wonder how or why the body produces tears. When one is sad, what is the use of losing water? why should we spill this substance from our body when we're not feeling good? Are we connected with nature in this respect? Because we choose to think that rain means sadness, that a gray sky signifies troubled times, do our minds then make our bodies rain as well? My god, I have strange ideas. And the human body amazes me.
It's 2:30am, and I'm unable to sleep. So this is what I do. I let my thoughts flow into my fingers which then compute into text. What's with me and this whole poetic thing? Maybe I should post like this all the time. It's more fun this way. It'd be even more fun if people actually read this. And commented. *Hint Hint*
If you're reading this, and if it's because I told you to, you know who you are... I'm sorry if I hurt you. Now you know why. I know that doesn't excuse anything. Please forgive me.
As always
またね
見知子です
Holy shit. Long post. Didn't realize. I'm sorry. Lots of. Two word. Sentences, eh? <-that one sucked...
My past has led me to this state. I grew up teaching myself that crying meant weakness, and that I had to be stubborn and unyielding enough to not cry ever. Mostly family problems and such led to this. So now it takes an immense amount of stress, sadness, and hormonal imbalance that comes with being a woman on her period for me to cry. Haha. Anyway, I'm not trying to make this a sob story, but it IS my background. I did have a time in my life when I was clinically depressed, and since then, I hardly ever cry. To cry a lot would be like going back to that miserable point in my life, something I never want to do. However, I do believe that it's these things that make us stronger. We'd all be as tough as cotton balls if our lives were easy. I guess I'm really really optimistic now. If I weren't, I think I'd fall apart. Some people have it worse than me, some people have it better. I judge how hard my life has been by how hard it's struck me. There hasn't been tragic death in my life, nor a lot of physical pain. But there are memories that still haunt me. Gosh, I'm being depressive now aren't I? I guess it's because I can still stand upright with the weight of everything. (I just noticed, but do you think I'm sounding more and more poetic with these posts? Guess that's the nature of my writing)
I wonder how or why the body produces tears. When one is sad, what is the use of losing water? why should we spill this substance from our body when we're not feeling good? Are we connected with nature in this respect? Because we choose to think that rain means sadness, that a gray sky signifies troubled times, do our minds then make our bodies rain as well? My god, I have strange ideas. And the human body amazes me.
It's 2:30am, and I'm unable to sleep. So this is what I do. I let my thoughts flow into my fingers which then compute into text. What's with me and this whole poetic thing? Maybe I should post like this all the time. It's more fun this way. It'd be even more fun if people actually read this. And commented. *Hint Hint*
If you're reading this, and if it's because I told you to, you know who you are... I'm sorry if I hurt you. Now you know why. I know that doesn't excuse anything. Please forgive me.
As always
またね
見知子です
Holy shit. Long post. Didn't realize. I'm sorry. Lots of. Two word. Sentences, eh? <-that one sucked...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I'm not actually happy, but oh well...
Yeah. Turns out, my night has not been as happy as I would have liked, but that's ok. I'll move past it.
Hmm, what shall I talk about?
How about webcams? I just got one a couple days ago. It's pretty neat. The only thing that's kinda bad about it is how freaking awkward you feel about webcam-ing with someone. It's odd, because you're trying to look at the screen, but then you see that the other person is staring at YOU staring at the screen, and it's all weird. So that's my only qualm with it. Other than that, mine also came with a bunch of effects, so I've been taking a lot of random pictures with it. My favorite is the 80's music video effect, it's pretty cool.
So I guess I'm going to make this post short, because I have a headache, and I'm slightly pissed off and sad for various reasons...'Til next time!
またね
見知子です
Hmm, what shall I talk about?
How about webcams? I just got one a couple days ago. It's pretty neat. The only thing that's kinda bad about it is how freaking awkward you feel about webcam-ing with someone. It's odd, because you're trying to look at the screen, but then you see that the other person is staring at YOU staring at the screen, and it's all weird. So that's my only qualm with it. Other than that, mine also came with a bunch of effects, so I've been taking a lot of random pictures with it. My favorite is the 80's music video effect, it's pretty cool.
So I guess I'm going to make this post short, because I have a headache, and I'm slightly pissed off and sad for various reasons...'Til next time!
またね
見知子です
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