Well...

He WAS sick. Maybe I'm intuitive after all...

ugh. so. yeah. I'm not so fine. Right now my head is saying just forget about him, because you're going to get hurt. And my heart won't let me stop loving him. Someone needs to help me figure out what to do. Actually, I want HIM to help me figure out what to do. But he hasn't talked to me...except for like two sentences last night. I'm just getting sick of this. Maybe I deserve better, someone who cares more, or gives me more attention. And then...I remember how happy I am when I'm with him. But then again, when I'm not with him...which is most of the time, I'm just unhappy. I don't deserve that, do I?

So what in the hell am I supposed to do? Stop loving him? How am I supposed to do that?
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe I need someone else to help me stop loving him...
But...I can't love anyone else...I just can't...
What am I saying? I don't know that I can't love anyone else...
Maybe I'll try...and then he won't have to deal with me anymore. I want him to be happy. And if he can't be happy with me, if he doesn't believe that I'm good enough for him...I'll get out of his way...
I just want to talk to him about it...but he won't respond to any kind of contact...IM, phone, anything...maybe he hates me...then again...maybe he's sick...

Grrr. I'm so confused, and sad, and lonely...
I don't like this...I don't deserve this...
I don't want to deal with it anymore...
And then...I do....

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I just don't get it. It seems like forever since we last spoke, though it's only been two days. Why hasn't he contacted me?

I feel so stupid because things are running through my mind like: maybe he realized he doesn't love me and doesn't wanna hurt me by telling me that, or maybe he's in trouble, or hurt, or something terrible. He's probably just busy, but he worries me. I can hear some wise person saying "That's love, hunny," so I'll shut up now.

Enough of my annoying-ness. I leave for Virginia tomorrow. I feel sad to leave my home, but I'll be coming back soon, so I guess it's ok. My little sister came up for the weekend. She was staying with my mom in Virginia. She's such a little goofball. I love her. I don't know what a 16 hour car ride to Virginia is going to be like with her, though. Yes, I'm riding in an 18-wheeler. So much fun...not.

I guess I'll post a little later tonight. I'm feeling kinda down.
またね
美知子です

Wow...

So, I guess some of the things I said in my last post weren't true...
I thought he could never love me... but I guess he does...

I'm indescribably happy right now.

I hadn't really loved anyone before, so I never knew what it felt like to tell someone I love them. Now I do...and now I know what it's like for that person to say it back. It feels amazing...

The problem? I'm going to Virginia for a couple of weeks, and won't be able to see him until I get back. But it's ok. Last night left me with enough happiness to last a few weeks, and the memories will last for much longer than that....

I think I'm just going to delete my last post...I was really wrong I guess. Maybe I was just sad at the time...or something. Maybe my intuition isn't that strong.

Anyway. So I'm happy. Except my arm hurts from a stupid tetanus shot plus a meningicoccal(sp?) vaccine. It wouldn't bother me, except I sleep on my side...

Funny Story! So the other day, one of my friends and I went to a consignment shop. Well, there was a wedding dress in there, and we decided I should try it on. And I did. It was a gorgeous dress. Though it was a little heavy, and it wouldn't zip up all the way because I have breasts, but it was still fun to try on. My friend took a picture, maybe I'll post it later. Anyway, we also decided that we were going to go to a bridal shop, and tell them I'm getting married just so I can try on dresses. I thought that would be amazing. That dress made me want to get married, LOL.

Today seems a lot brighter to me....

Finally! A happy post! ^_^

あたしはとても嬉しいです！
I'm so happy!

またね
美知子です（I'm using a different character for "mi" now)

Love?

This post is no longer applicable due to a...change of heart...
So I deleted it. Sorry...
Basically I talked about someone I love. I thought he didn't love me back.
I thought love was pain...
Maybe it's not...

OK. That Was Weird...

Last night I got kinda sick...I got dizzy and weak....I dunno how to explain it...I'm going to the doctor to get it checked out later this week.
So anyway. I'm awfully bored. It's been raining here for the past four days. Not that I don't like the rain. I really do. But not so much of it.

I have no car, and I don't wanna walk in the rain, because I don't have a raincoat or an umbrella. So I'm stuck here at home. I played a video game for a few hours. Then I got bored again. My life is boring. Boring, boring, boring.

I'm going to try to separate all my paragraphs from now on. Hopefully it'll make it easier to read. Maybe I'll fix my other posts, too. I'm actually bored enough to want to do that...

If you're reading this right now, I'm really surprised. This is a really boring post. I'm flattered that you like me enough to want to read this. OR maybe you're as bored as I am....Whatever, I still like you more now that you're reading this insanely boring post.
And now I'm going to put you out of your misery...No, I'm not going to shoot you, I'm just ending the post.
またね
見知子です

I Guess I Feel Like Talking a Lot Today

Well...
Someone I know was involved in a car accident this morning. He died. His life ended. It makes me sad to think that everything and anything he might have wanted to do, or share, or experience...he can't anymore. It's scary to think that our lives can end so abruptly. I don't know why this person's death has affected me so much. In all honesty, I barely knew him. But, I think sometimes you look at something that has happened, and even though it's not really related to you, it changes you and the way you think. He changed me, even though the means of doing so were terrible, and cruel. I can't say I'm religious, that I believe that I can blame the higher power for taking this man's life. I can only say that what happened has happened, and no one can change it. He has made me think...how my life could end tomorrow, or in the next ten minutes. I can only hope that I don't keep things that I want to share, or abstain from things I want to do. I hope the people I love know that I love them, that I have left a part of myself with even one person. Death is real, and we can't predict it. Maybe this is something of a revelation, but I think I want to live as though I'll die tomorrow. To me, it sounds pretty optimistic. To you, it may not. But hey, it may work.
Rest In Peace, Ben.

Adding to My Last Post

Just to let you know. I'm not a crazy person who dreams about murders all the time. I actually dream more about things like standing in a room in a house which happens to have a lake inside it, or a little city of wooden cabins in the middle of a snowy field. I like those kinds of dreams too. I believe dreams tell us more about what our minds are actually subconsciously processing, and I won't tell you all my dreams only because they tell my secrets. So last night was just weird, and I'll try to figure out what that dream meant. It might just be something I'm worried about. I don't know.

Lack of Sleep Ruins the Brain, Sometimes

So, yeah. Last night I posted at 2:30am. After that, I fell asleep. I awoke two hours later from a dream that was more like a horror film than anything. I'll tell you about it. In an apartment, I was sleeping. I awoke to find a faceless girl standing in the doorway. A man came in, tied wire around her neck, stood her on a chair. and hanged her. I just stood there in horror, but I didn't react. There was no blood, though there should have been, it felt like. I felt so trapped in that dream, it was scary. I have weird dreams.

Anyway. So I didn't get much sleep last night.
I'm kinda angry right now, because my dad had to take my car. I wanted to see the new Batman movie tonight, and I can't now, because I don't have a car to get to the theater. Plus it's raining. I suppose I'll try to have a lazy day, and hopefully I won't get nagged at to do something. *Hides from the world*
Short post. Sorry.
またね
見知子です

I HATE PMS

So I have recently experienced what I believe is PMS. The symptoms? Being a bitch to people I care about, crying (for little or no reason), and being depressive and insensitive. I really wanna apologize to everyone I offended...so I'll do that soon. I don't think I've ever experienced PMS, especially not to this degree. Last night I sobbed into my pillow, cried myself to sleep. I don't cry. Ever. When I cry, there normally aren't any tears. It was weird, but somehow satisfying for me to cry then, though. It kinda felt like a release, and after a while I tried forcing the tears and the sobbing out of my body, just to release more of the tension.

My past has led me to this state. I grew up teaching myself that crying meant weakness, and that I had to be stubborn and unyielding enough to not cry ever. Mostly family problems and such led to this. So now it takes an immense amount of stress, sadness, and hormonal imbalance that comes with being a woman on her period for me to cry. Haha. Anyway, I'm not trying to make this a sob story, but it IS my background. I did have a time in my life when I was clinically depressed, and since then, I hardly ever cry. To cry a lot would be like going back to that miserable point in my life, something I never want to do. However, I do believe that it's these things that make us stronger. We'd all be as tough as cotton balls if our lives were easy. I guess I'm really really optimistic now. If I weren't, I think I'd fall apart. Some people have it worse than me, some people have it better. I judge how hard my life has been by how hard it's struck me. There hasn't been tragic death in my life, nor a lot of physical pain. But there are memories that still haunt me. Gosh, I'm being depressive now aren't I? I guess it's because I can still stand upright with the weight of everything. (I just noticed, but do you think I'm sounding more and more poetic with these posts? Guess that's the nature of my writing)

I wonder how or why the body produces tears. When one is sad, what is the use of losing water? why should we spill this substance from our body when we're not feeling good? Are we connected with nature in this respect? Because we choose to think that rain means sadness, that a gray sky signifies troubled times, do our minds then make our bodies rain as well? My god, I have strange ideas. And the human body amazes me.

It's 2:30am, and I'm unable to sleep. So this is what I do. I let my thoughts flow into my fingers which then compute into text. What's with me and this whole poetic thing? Maybe I should post like this all the time. It's more fun this way. It'd be even more fun if people actually read this. And commented. *Hint Hint*

If you're reading this, and if it's because I told you to, you know who you are... I'm sorry if I hurt you. Now you know why. I know that doesn't excuse anything. Please forgive me.
As always
またね
見知子です
Holy shit. Long post. Didn't realize. I'm sorry. Lots of. Two word. Sentences, eh? <-that one sucked...

I'm not actually happy, but oh well...

Yeah. Turns out, my night has not been as happy as I would have liked, but that's ok. I'll move past it.
Hmm, what shall I talk about?
How about webcams? I just got one a couple days ago. It's pretty neat. The only thing that's kinda bad about it is how freaking awkward you feel about webcam-ing with someone. It's odd, because you're trying to look at the screen, but then you see that the other person is staring at YOU staring at the screen, and it's all weird. So that's my only qualm with it. Other than that, mine also came with a bunch of effects, so I've been taking a lot of random pictures with it. My favorite is the 80's music video effect, it's pretty cool.
So I guess I'm going to make this post short, because I have a headache, and I'm slightly pissed off and sad for various reasons...'Til next time!
またね
見知子です

I really like comments...

If anyone happens to be reading this, could you please leave me a comment?
I like them, they make me feel loved. And right now I need them, because I don't feel loved at all.
So, yeah. Not feeling very chipper right now, so I may just leave it at that. Maybe tomorrow, I'll have something happier.
Should I go to Virginia to visit my mom...? Duh, the answer is yes.
Should I go at the end of July or the middle of August...? I have no clue. Middle of August might be better...maybe...
I don't know, but I'll have to reach a decision soon.
Why the hell am I talking about this?
Anyway. I'll post tomorrow, when (hopefully) I'll be happier...
またね
見知子です

Spoiled Lazy Days

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to be holed up in your room and not do anything but eat chips, drink soda, watch random things on the internet, knit, or something that doesn't require that much energy? Well, today was one of those days for me. But unfortunately, it was foiled. I tried, but failed. First, there was a thunderstorm, so our power kept going out. Which meant that I had to get out of bed and reset the internet so I could watch anime...which I will get to talking about later. Then, the series ended. So I knitted(sp?). And apparently I have lost my touch at knitting because I just couldn't bring myself to do more than a couple of rows without screwing up. Anyway, then my parents got home, and I got harrassed about not mowing the lawn today and having food in my room, and not hanging the key to the car up, and blah blah blah...Then, as I was going to give my stepmom the key that she wasn't going to be using, I spilled soda all over my bed. Which sucks a lot. So now, I'm exiting my laziness because I have to change my sheets and do laundry, and I really really don't want to. And I don't care that I sound like a baby, because I'm usually not this lazy, so I feel I deserve a break.
So that's that.
Full Moon wo Sagashite"
Oh my god. One of the best anime ever. When it ended, I was completely satisfied, and it just gave me a really good feeling. I like anime more than American shows because our shows are just a jumble of shallow comedy or drama with only a surface plot line and no character development. I know I'm being a little harsh, but anime is just so much better in my opinion. And this anime had all the things that American shows lack and more. You felt a real connection to the characters, and understood their feelings and why they felt the way they did. The music was great (it pretty much had to be, as the plot revolves around the main character's wish for a career as a singer). Actually the whole thing was great. Great, great, great.
Yes, I am an anime fan. But I'm also a fan of Japanese culture and language.
Wish me luck! I'm trying to get into a residential program at my university so I can live with people who are trying to learn more about Japan and it's language. I hope they tell me soon!
OK. Back to trying to fix my bed...oh joy.
お休むなさい！
見知子です　よろしくお願いします！