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Sunday, March 15, 2009
Long time, No see...
Alright. It's been a while, I know. I'm down in Virginia visiting my mom. Tomorrow, I fly back to Vermont. Sooooo... in the past week, a lot of things have happened to me.
Biggest thing: I'm changing my major again. I finally realized that I should be doing what I like doing. Not music education, because that would just be too much work. I'd have to take care of kids and a music library, and instruments, and there are too many different things that I would have to concentrate on with that job. My scatterbrain couldn't handle it. I need something more "black and white" as my mom would call it. So I was thinking about business. It seemed like a stable career, it had enough options to choose from. But you know what? It's not right. I can feel it. And I was reflecting about how I didn't know what I wanted to do, and my mom said that I just had to do what I liked to do. Well, thinking about what I liked to do, I could only come up with Japanese... it's the only thing I like studying for. Actually... I study for it when I'm bored. It doesn't seem like a job ever. Playing the clarinet was always a job or a chore. Studying for economics or thinking about the financial system of the country always seemed like it was over my head. Japanese is just fun. The only thing was, I thought of it as more of a hobby.
Then... I was thinking: Japanese COULD be a job. I was reading a manga at the time, and I thought about how it gets to the state it is so that Americans can read it. Well, wouldn't you know, they need a translator, an editor, a proofreader... I could do all that stuff! I'm a grammar/spelling freak, so in the process of translating text, I'm going to be adjusting grammar and I'll always have good spelling. So why couldn't I be a translator for an Anime or Manga company? It would be sooo cool! And if that didn't work out... well my sister and mom work at a cancer center hospital thing, and they're always calling for translators, as are different companies and hospitals and... well as long as I took some medical terminology course (which you can do online) I could always fall back to that! It seems almost too perfect. But why do something that I only sort of like, and am really terrible at, when I can do something I like that I'm really good at? DUH! I'm also going to minor in Film and TV studies, because it kinda goes along with anime. And I can use it in a business fashion too, as film and TV is an industry that has some international relations stuff...
Another thing I realized, is that I'm a little crazy. Joe didn't talk to me for like 3 days and I was flipping out. I haven't been sleeping well either, so that's been making me grouchy. And I'm just really insecure. I don't even know why, because Joe makes me feel incredibly safe and secure. I'm probably taking for granted what we have. I'm going to stop doing that, and accept that he can't be there for me 24/7 since we're not even living in the same state. >_< It's my fault for getting angry, and it was a little unjustified.
So another thing. I'm in Virginia... and you would think that it would have been nice and warm, right? Nope. There was one day this week that was 70 degrees. The rest were cold. It even snowed one morning. And we were supposed to go to the beach today, but we couldn't because it was cold and rainy. Grr.
I go back to school tomorrow. I have to study for a calculus midterm that I have on Monday... ewww. I also have a Japanese midterm on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned about that... ^_^
Wow. I had a lot to say, I guess. I'm kinda just waiting for Joe to get back from a concert so I can talk to him some more. I get to see him next week!!! So excited!!!
mata ne. I don't know when the next post will be, but I'll try to do it soon...
Biggest thing: I'm changing my major again. I finally realized that I should be doing what I like doing. Not music education, because that would just be too much work. I'd have to take care of kids and a music library, and instruments, and there are too many different things that I would have to concentrate on with that job. My scatterbrain couldn't handle it. I need something more "black and white" as my mom would call it. So I was thinking about business. It seemed like a stable career, it had enough options to choose from. But you know what? It's not right. I can feel it. And I was reflecting about how I didn't know what I wanted to do, and my mom said that I just had to do what I liked to do. Well, thinking about what I liked to do, I could only come up with Japanese... it's the only thing I like studying for. Actually... I study for it when I'm bored. It doesn't seem like a job ever. Playing the clarinet was always a job or a chore. Studying for economics or thinking about the financial system of the country always seemed like it was over my head. Japanese is just fun. The only thing was, I thought of it as more of a hobby.
Then... I was thinking: Japanese COULD be a job. I was reading a manga at the time, and I thought about how it gets to the state it is so that Americans can read it. Well, wouldn't you know, they need a translator, an editor, a proofreader... I could do all that stuff! I'm a grammar/spelling freak, so in the process of translating text, I'm going to be adjusting grammar and I'll always have good spelling. So why couldn't I be a translator for an Anime or Manga company? It would be sooo cool! And if that didn't work out... well my sister and mom work at a cancer center hospital thing, and they're always calling for translators, as are different companies and hospitals and... well as long as I took some medical terminology course (which you can do online) I could always fall back to that! It seems almost too perfect. But why do something that I only sort of like, and am really terrible at, when I can do something I like that I'm really good at? DUH! I'm also going to minor in Film and TV studies, because it kinda goes along with anime. And I can use it in a business fashion too, as film and TV is an industry that has some international relations stuff...
Another thing I realized, is that I'm a little crazy. Joe didn't talk to me for like 3 days and I was flipping out. I haven't been sleeping well either, so that's been making me grouchy. And I'm just really insecure. I don't even know why, because Joe makes me feel incredibly safe and secure. I'm probably taking for granted what we have. I'm going to stop doing that, and accept that he can't be there for me 24/7 since we're not even living in the same state. >_< It's my fault for getting angry, and it was a little unjustified.
So another thing. I'm in Virginia... and you would think that it would have been nice and warm, right? Nope. There was one day this week that was 70 degrees. The rest were cold. It even snowed one morning. And we were supposed to go to the beach today, but we couldn't because it was cold and rainy. Grr.
I go back to school tomorrow. I have to study for a calculus midterm that I have on Monday... ewww. I also have a Japanese midterm on Tuesday, but I'm not concerned about that... ^_^
Wow. I had a lot to say, I guess. I'm kinda just waiting for Joe to get back from a concert so I can talk to him some more. I get to see him next week!!! So excited!!!
mata ne. I don't know when the next post will be, but I'll try to do it soon...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Frustration much?
Alright. From the title you can probably guess that I'm pretty damn frustrated. I don't know if I even wanna deal with anyone right now. For most people, I'm not even mad at them, I just can't bring myself to be happy. I kinda want to be left alone, but then again, I don't. I'm just so torn between all these things that are happening to me and I don't know how to deal with them. There doesn't seem to be any decision that I can make that would leave me feeling happy, or even just okay... This sucks a lot.
and, yet again... I don't know what to do...
and, yet again... I don't know what to do...
Monday, March 2, 2009
Hmmph
Well... I had an interesting weekend. So I got really scared of the gentlemen on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean legitimately out-of-my-mind scared. It was horrible. They terrify me. Joss Whedon is crazy, but he's also brilliant. Dollhouse is fantastic too!
So I don't know why I'm upset about this, but Joe hasn't talked to me much in the last couple of days. We talked a bit last night but... still. He doesn't answer his phone, and I really want to hear his voice. He's not a bad boyfriend, and I'm angry at myself for getting so upset about it... but a 5 minute call wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I hope I'm not over-reacting again...
Anyway. So I'm considering going to the doctor (again), because for the past week I've been having these on and off cramps. They seem like the PMS-y kind but they're sharper and shorter-lasting. Technically you're supposed to see a doctor if cramps last for more than 3 or 4 days but I don't want to make it seem like more than it is. For all I know, it could just be my birth control. Ugh. I'll go on like Tuesday or Thursday if I'm not better (or if I don't get my period) by tomorrow. Stupid body with its stupid problems. Grrr.
Other than that, Program Director stuff for next year is going alright. It's going to be hard to choose people to put into our program... we'll manage though. Program fair on Wednesday!
Not much else going on. Two midterms on Thursday. Econ at 4 and Japanese oral exam at 6:30... >.< not really fun, but I'll just have to deal with it...
It's going to be a busy week. Tuesday I'm going to see Slumdog Millionaire, and we're making stuff for the Program Fair, which is on Wednesday. Thursday I have two midterms and our Art Gallery is opening at 6:00. Friday I'm going home with some of my stuff and hopefully moving some of my possesions into the new house. Then next Monday I'm flying down to Virginia to see my mom!
Busy Busy!
So I don't know why I'm upset about this, but Joe hasn't talked to me much in the last couple of days. We talked a bit last night but... still. He doesn't answer his phone, and I really want to hear his voice. He's not a bad boyfriend, and I'm angry at myself for getting so upset about it... but a 5 minute call wouldn't be too much to ask would it? I hope I'm not over-reacting again...
Anyway. So I'm considering going to the doctor (again), because for the past week I've been having these on and off cramps. They seem like the PMS-y kind but they're sharper and shorter-lasting. Technically you're supposed to see a doctor if cramps last for more than 3 or 4 days but I don't want to make it seem like more than it is. For all I know, it could just be my birth control. Ugh. I'll go on like Tuesday or Thursday if I'm not better (or if I don't get my period) by tomorrow. Stupid body with its stupid problems. Grrr.
Other than that, Program Director stuff for next year is going alright. It's going to be hard to choose people to put into our program... we'll manage though. Program fair on Wednesday!
Not much else going on. Two midterms on Thursday. Econ at 4 and Japanese oral exam at 6:30... >.< not really fun, but I'll just have to deal with it...
It's going to be a busy week. Tuesday I'm going to see Slumdog Millionaire, and we're making stuff for the Program Fair, which is on Wednesday. Thursday I have two midterms and our Art Gallery is opening at 6:00. Friday I'm going home with some of my stuff and hopefully moving some of my possesions into the new house. Then next Monday I'm flying down to Virginia to see my mom!
Busy Busy!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Ah, New Post
I just happen to feel like posting. I'm sorry I unleashed some emotions in the last post; I've pretty much sorted those out...
So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.
So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...
Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.
I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...
Mata ne!
So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.
So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...
Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.
I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...
Mata ne!
FUUUUUCK!!!
Why?! Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do people have to ruin what I try so hard to get? I just try and try and try and I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I'm not the person I want to be... or rather, I'm not the person that I think everyone else wants me to be...
So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?
So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^
I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.
So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^
I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wow...
Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry as much as I have been. He seems to really love me, and he doesn't want to leave me. He knows that the future is unpredictable... but he told me he won't leave me anytime soon. As vague as that sounds, it's still really comforting to know that he'll be around for a while. We're being as optimistic as possible. So I'm content for the moment.
Or am I?
I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.
Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.
Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.
Well that's all the news I have to update you with.
Mata ne.
Or am I?
I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.
Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.
Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.
Well that's all the news I have to update you with.
Mata ne.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Is this what it's come to?
Some information has come to my attention which has caused me to delete this post. Sorry.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Hold the phone!
Whoa. What a weekend. I visited my boyfriend in New York and it was AMAZING...
I know he's not going to read this so I guess I can just say... I think he's the one. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me, at least not yet, which makes me a little sad but I'll get over it. I was so sad to leave him this morning. I cried at the train station as I was saying goodbye. And then I cried on the train, too. It's so strange how love changes you. I used to not be so emotional. I really really love him. I wanted to apply to his college so I could be with him, but there are many reasons why I just couldn't do that. I would love to change my life for him, but what if he stops loving me? I'm just left with a life that I'm not happy with, and that wouldn't do me any good. If I could guarantee that I wasn't risking that much to be with him, I would totally go to where he is... but the fact is that I would be risking a lot, so I just can't. :(
I've got bronchitis, and it sucks. It seems to have gotten worse on the train back. I hate coughing. It sucks a lot. I'm gonna sleep...
I know he's not going to read this so I guess I can just say... I think he's the one. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me, at least not yet, which makes me a little sad but I'll get over it. I was so sad to leave him this morning. I cried at the train station as I was saying goodbye. And then I cried on the train, too. It's so strange how love changes you. I used to not be so emotional. I really really love him. I wanted to apply to his college so I could be with him, but there are many reasons why I just couldn't do that. I would love to change my life for him, but what if he stops loving me? I'm just left with a life that I'm not happy with, and that wouldn't do me any good. If I could guarantee that I wasn't risking that much to be with him, I would totally go to where he is... but the fact is that I would be risking a lot, so I just can't. :(
I've got bronchitis, and it sucks. It seems to have gotten worse on the train back. I hate coughing. It sucks a lot. I'm gonna sleep...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Alright...
Okay, so let's get down to business.
Thing numero uno: I'm sick right now. I haven't posted in a while so I didn't mention that I had bronchitis during finals week. And now I'm afraid that I might have it again, which is SO not cool. Actually it sucks. All the balls. Except for Edward's. And maybe Angel's. Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My stomach kinda hurts.
Anyway. So other than that, school is going really well. I decided to change my major. It seems that Music Ed. just wasn't for me. I decided to go down the career path of Business Administration, which seems a bit more practical to me. And everything's going pretty well. I used to HATE math with a passion but now that I'm taking Calculus, I kinda like it, it's pretty chill. And I'm starting to wonder why EVERYONE isn't taking Economics, because that just seems like the most common sense class ever.
And the best thing ever? That guy... you know, the one I had a fit over? Decided he wanted to date me. We're now going out. And I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time, and he tells me that he's really happy, too. You know what? He might be "the one". And I really hope so. I hope we can stay together forever. I know it's a lot to ask, and it might not happen, but I can still hope. I want to do everything I can to keep us together. I don't want anyone else but him. He says he loves me, and I hope he loves me forever. But you never know, he could fall out of love, and I'd be pretty heartbroken. But at least I know that for now, we're happy, and that's all I want. We talk so much and I'm going to see him this weekend (Valentine's Day ^_-) even though I'm sick. I'm just so happy I can't even explain it. I feel so great!
I'll post more later. It's time for some sleepage, so I can get better.
Thing numero uno: I'm sick right now. I haven't posted in a while so I didn't mention that I had bronchitis during finals week. And now I'm afraid that I might have it again, which is SO not cool. Actually it sucks. All the balls. Except for Edward's. And maybe Angel's. Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My stomach kinda hurts.
Anyway. So other than that, school is going really well. I decided to change my major. It seems that Music Ed. just wasn't for me. I decided to go down the career path of Business Administration, which seems a bit more practical to me. And everything's going pretty well. I used to HATE math with a passion but now that I'm taking Calculus, I kinda like it, it's pretty chill. And I'm starting to wonder why EVERYONE isn't taking Economics, because that just seems like the most common sense class ever.
And the best thing ever? That guy... you know, the one I had a fit over? Decided he wanted to date me. We're now going out. And I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time, and he tells me that he's really happy, too. You know what? He might be "the one". And I really hope so. I hope we can stay together forever. I know it's a lot to ask, and it might not happen, but I can still hope. I want to do everything I can to keep us together. I don't want anyone else but him. He says he loves me, and I hope he loves me forever. But you never know, he could fall out of love, and I'd be pretty heartbroken. But at least I know that for now, we're happy, and that's all I want. We talk so much and I'm going to see him this weekend (Valentine's Day ^_-) even though I'm sick. I'm just so happy I can't even explain it. I feel so great!
I'll post more later. It's time for some sleepage, so I can get better.
Okay, So I haven't exactly posted in about 5 months...
Yeah, it's been a while.
Twilight movie... actually isn't that good. It was the first two times I saw it, but then I realized what a horrible directing job it had. Too many close shots... I don't particularly want to look at someone's face that much, even if it is Rob Pattinson... JEEZ.
I think I'm going to end this post here. I just needed to rant on that a little. And it would be awkward to talk about the next subject following that whole deal.
Twilight movie... actually isn't that good. It was the first two times I saw it, but then I realized what a horrible directing job it had. Too many close shots... I don't particularly want to look at someone's face that much, even if it is Rob Pattinson... JEEZ.
I think I'm going to end this post here. I just needed to rant on that a little. And it would be awkward to talk about the next subject following that whole deal.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
WHOA TWILIGHT!!!
Jesus fucking christ, this is going to be one hell of a movie...
Make sure you let the video load for about 5 minutes so you get the entire preview!!!
Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer
Make sure you let the video load for about 5 minutes so you get the entire preview!!!
Twilight HD Exclusive Trailer
Saturday, September 27, 2008
WOW long break...
So it's been almost a month since my last post. "Why?" you may ask. It's because I have almost no time for computer stuff. College life is busy.
I like it though. It's nice to take care of myself... wait a sec, I was doing that before. It's nice to not have people nagging at me all the time? That's more like it.
I'm having some inner conflicts right now though... it seems that all I can think about is getting attention... and mostly from guys. I'm trying to understand it. I think it's just part of me to want that kind of attention. I'm not sure.
In other news. Stephanie Meyer's series of books, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn... best series ever. Vampires... sexy, delicious vampires. So romantic and action filled. So amazing.
So turns out, I'm terrible at tennis. I got into a tennis class, 8am on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm just plain awful at it. That doesn't mean I don't have fun. I do. But I'm just sooo bad at it.
Japanese class is really fun and the teacher is really funny. I'm getting an A+ in the class... I hope it raises my GPA a lot, cuz music theory is bringing it down. Yes, the music major is having trouble in music theory. But I'm getting better at it. The teacher is just sooo dull... which makes it harder to pay attention.
The people in my suite and program are really nice. I like just about everyone. It's been really fun hanging out with people, so far. I hope I can keep up with my Arts Initiative stuff though. We're supposed to do one thing artsy a week, and so far I haven't had time for anything. Which sucks for me, basically. Ah well, I'll figure it out eventually.
Anyway. I need to go find something productive to do. TTYL
Michiko
I like it though. It's nice to take care of myself... wait a sec, I was doing that before. It's nice to not have people nagging at me all the time? That's more like it.
I'm having some inner conflicts right now though... it seems that all I can think about is getting attention... and mostly from guys. I'm trying to understand it. I think it's just part of me to want that kind of attention. I'm not sure.
In other news. Stephanie Meyer's series of books, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn... best series ever. Vampires... sexy, delicious vampires. So romantic and action filled. So amazing.
So turns out, I'm terrible at tennis. I got into a tennis class, 8am on Mondays and Wednesdays. I'm just plain awful at it. That doesn't mean I don't have fun. I do. But I'm just sooo bad at it.
Japanese class is really fun and the teacher is really funny. I'm getting an A+ in the class... I hope it raises my GPA a lot, cuz music theory is bringing it down. Yes, the music major is having trouble in music theory. But I'm getting better at it. The teacher is just sooo dull... which makes it harder to pay attention.
The people in my suite and program are really nice. I like just about everyone. It's been really fun hanging out with people, so far. I hope I can keep up with my Arts Initiative stuff though. We're supposed to do one thing artsy a week, and so far I haven't had time for anything. Which sucks for me, basically. Ah well, I'll figure it out eventually.
Anyway. I need to go find something productive to do. TTYL
Michiko
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Still Packing
I'm really glad I started packing on Sunday, 'cause otherwise I'd have to scramble to get everything together...
Yeah so for the past couple of days I've just been casually packing. but now that I leave in two days (!!!) I'm sort of wondering how I'm supposed to put all of this stuff together. I went to my dorm room yesterday. The suite itself is really awesome, but my room is kinda small. So I lofted my bed and put the desk under it to make some more space. My keyboard also has to go in there, plus all the rest of my stuff. I think my bean bag chair will have to go out into the common room (the living room-ish area in the suite).
As for my love life, the guy hasn't talked to me in a while. Not that I'm unhappy, really. I'm not sure why, but I'm almost ok with it. No, I know why. It's because I realized... and accepted... that there are a lot of potential boyfriends that I could get in college, ones that would treat me a hell of a lot better. (Actually I'm incredibly attracted to the guy who helped me loft my bed yesterday ^_^) Oh, and my suite IS co-ed. The bad thing about that...I haven't told my dad...and he's the one helping me move in...So I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.
Ok so a couple of things are bothering me... one is the whole my ex-boy is not talking to me even though we agreed to be friends. Two is that I still haven't applied for my loans...I have to wait for my dad to get home in order to do that though. Three is that my step-mom is bitching at me to clean the house, when I'm like "What the fucking hell, I'm leaving in two days and I'm the only one who cleans, so you want me to clean the house so it can be less like a pigsty for longer? Why don't you have the people who make the messes clean it up?" Ok I did'n't actually say that, but I was thinking it. So she says that if the house is still a mess when she gets home, she's leaving and never coming back. So I *thought* to myself "Great, if you wanna be that childish to do something like that, be my guest." I'm a slight pushover when it comes to her though (try being scared of someone you live with for about 10 years, you'll know what I mean) so I'm going to actually clean and she also wants me to do inventory for the burnt house today >.< . Four... (yeah I know three was kinda long) is that I need to freaking pack... and I'm feeling a little pressed for time...
In other news. I'm reading Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. Half-way through. V. good book. Also reading Kare Kano...LOVE. I'm kinda absorbed in that, so I'm not reading Good in Bed as much. But I really wanna finish both so I can read the Twilight series...the one that EVERYONE is in love with. Based on my previous experiences, I'm bound to love it and obsessively read it over and over... but we'll see. LOL
So I've found that I'm much more happy nowadays, no matter what stupid shit goes on from everyone else. My *real* friends make me happy, and I guess I've been making myself happy too. Going to college might be part of it, as well.
Anyway, I'd better go clean before I get bitched out again. Then more packing! JOY. I'm also making collages and stuff to decorate my dorm with.... Should be a busy but fun rest of the day...
またね
美知子
Yeah so for the past couple of days I've just been casually packing. but now that I leave in two days (!!!) I'm sort of wondering how I'm supposed to put all of this stuff together. I went to my dorm room yesterday. The suite itself is really awesome, but my room is kinda small. So I lofted my bed and put the desk under it to make some more space. My keyboard also has to go in there, plus all the rest of my stuff. I think my bean bag chair will have to go out into the common room (the living room-ish area in the suite).
As for my love life, the guy hasn't talked to me in a while. Not that I'm unhappy, really. I'm not sure why, but I'm almost ok with it. No, I know why. It's because I realized... and accepted... that there are a lot of potential boyfriends that I could get in college, ones that would treat me a hell of a lot better. (Actually I'm incredibly attracted to the guy who helped me loft my bed yesterday ^_^) Oh, and my suite IS co-ed. The bad thing about that...I haven't told my dad...and he's the one helping me move in...So I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.
Ok so a couple of things are bothering me... one is the whole my ex-boy is not talking to me even though we agreed to be friends. Two is that I still haven't applied for my loans...I have to wait for my dad to get home in order to do that though. Three is that my step-mom is bitching at me to clean the house, when I'm like "What the fucking hell, I'm leaving in two days and I'm the only one who cleans, so you want me to clean the house so it can be less like a pigsty for longer? Why don't you have the people who make the messes clean it up?" Ok I did'n't actually say that, but I was thinking it. So she says that if the house is still a mess when she gets home, she's leaving and never coming back. So I *thought* to myself "Great, if you wanna be that childish to do something like that, be my guest." I'm a slight pushover when it comes to her though (try being scared of someone you live with for about 10 years, you'll know what I mean) so I'm going to actually clean and she also wants me to do inventory for the burnt house today >.< . Four... (yeah I know three was kinda long) is that I need to freaking pack... and I'm feeling a little pressed for time...
In other news. I'm reading Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. Half-way through. V. good book. Also reading Kare Kano...LOVE. I'm kinda absorbed in that, so I'm not reading Good in Bed as much. But I really wanna finish both so I can read the Twilight series...the one that EVERYONE is in love with. Based on my previous experiences, I'm bound to love it and obsessively read it over and over... but we'll see. LOL
So I've found that I'm much more happy nowadays, no matter what stupid shit goes on from everyone else. My *real* friends make me happy, and I guess I've been making myself happy too. Going to college might be part of it, as well.
Anyway, I'd better go clean before I get bitched out again. Then more packing! JOY. I'm also making collages and stuff to decorate my dorm with.... Should be a busy but fun rest of the day...
またね
美知子
Saturday, August 23, 2008
*Sigh*
Alright, so I ended up talking to him. And now, I feel like an idiot. So surprising, right?
He keeps hurting me...even when we're just friends...I don't know if it's because I still love him or something, but he doesn't even seem to act like a good friend to me. It's like, "ok, I demoted myself to just friends status," and he acts like he doesn't even want to be that. Even my just regular friends, not even my best friends treat me better than he does...
You know what I really need? Someone new. Someone who will treat me like I should be treated. Someone who will actually care.
I think I can find that person really easily. Especially at college. By the way, I move in on Friday! Yay!
Anyway, it's not like I can just forget about him or erase him from my life. I kinda want him to be a part of it, but the way he's been treating me makes me feel like I should just try to find a replacement (as if that's possible, but maybe...)
I think I talk too much about my love life. It's not like there's anything else that's going on in my life worth mentioning, really. I've been shopping lately for college. I hang out with my friends sometimes...I feel a lot better hanging out with them. It makes me feel like I can get over him...but whenever I'm not with them...a little bit more difficult.
He really doesn't understand my feelings at all. He doesn't understand that I get upset when he makes it seem like he doesn't want to see me, or doesn't like me. I'm almost angry at him for not trying...I think he just doesn't really know what to feel. He still talks to me...and makes a point to talk to me...but I can't detect any hint of him caring for me, other than that...
He said before that when he got into a relationship, he had to be serious about it. I feel the opposite way. I wouldn't want a relationship to begin seriously...I want something fun to turn into something serious. So, in college, I'm going to try and get into some good, fun relationships, and if something happens from there, then great. If nothing serious happens, I'm having fun anyway.
I know now that I will NEVER, EVER cheat on whoever I'm with. I know just how much it hurts when someone does that to you...and I would rather die than put someone through that pain.
I swear I'm going to try and make the posts happier. When I get to college, I'm sure they will be...
またね
美知子
He keeps hurting me...even when we're just friends...I don't know if it's because I still love him or something, but he doesn't even seem to act like a good friend to me. It's like, "ok, I demoted myself to just friends status," and he acts like he doesn't even want to be that. Even my just regular friends, not even my best friends treat me better than he does...
You know what I really need? Someone new. Someone who will treat me like I should be treated. Someone who will actually care.
I think I can find that person really easily. Especially at college. By the way, I move in on Friday! Yay!
Anyway, it's not like I can just forget about him or erase him from my life. I kinda want him to be a part of it, but the way he's been treating me makes me feel like I should just try to find a replacement (as if that's possible, but maybe...)
I think I talk too much about my love life. It's not like there's anything else that's going on in my life worth mentioning, really. I've been shopping lately for college. I hang out with my friends sometimes...I feel a lot better hanging out with them. It makes me feel like I can get over him...but whenever I'm not with them...a little bit more difficult.
He really doesn't understand my feelings at all. He doesn't understand that I get upset when he makes it seem like he doesn't want to see me, or doesn't like me. I'm almost angry at him for not trying...I think he just doesn't really know what to feel. He still talks to me...and makes a point to talk to me...but I can't detect any hint of him caring for me, other than that...
He said before that when he got into a relationship, he had to be serious about it. I feel the opposite way. I wouldn't want a relationship to begin seriously...I want something fun to turn into something serious. So, in college, I'm going to try and get into some good, fun relationships, and if something happens from there, then great. If nothing serious happens, I'm having fun anyway.
I know now that I will NEVER, EVER cheat on whoever I'm with. I know just how much it hurts when someone does that to you...and I would rather die than put someone through that pain.
I swear I'm going to try and make the posts happier. When I get to college, I'm sure they will be...
またね
美知子
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Why?!
Three days! Three fucking days and it feels like 3 months...I hate myself for wanting and needing him, it's not fair. Why can't I just let it all go? It's because I'm not only not talking to someone I loved and had an intimate relationship with, but one of my best friends...I talked to him so much and he was the only person I could really enjoy talking to...I want to talk to him so much I feel like I'm going to break down...
But if I talk to him...what am I supposed to do? Keep getting hurt...stay in love with him and never experience someone else? Why, why, why can't I have someone like him right now who didn't hurt me?
If I talk to him, I'll hate myself. If I don't talk to him...I'll just be depressed. I can't stop thinking about him.
By not talking to him, am I just avoiding him? Am I avoiding what I really feel? What am I supposed to do?
But if I talk to him...what am I supposed to do? Keep getting hurt...stay in love with him and never experience someone else? Why, why, why can't I have someone like him right now who didn't hurt me?
If I talk to him, I'll hate myself. If I don't talk to him...I'll just be depressed. I can't stop thinking about him.
By not talking to him, am I just avoiding him? Am I avoiding what I really feel? What am I supposed to do?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Are You Ready for This?
Ok here goes.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...
I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.
So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...
I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...
Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.
So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.
So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.
I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.
Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...
またね
美知子
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...
I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.
So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...
I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...
Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.
So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.
So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.
I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.
Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...
またね
美知子
Saturday, August 9, 2008
BAH. BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH!!!!
No! There's no way I can love him. He doesn't understand me! At all! It doesn't even seem like he cares...
Whatever, I can't wait for college.
I found out where I'm living on campus and who my room mate is. I bought a fridge and a microwave AND A BEANBAG CHAIR. I'm so excited.
I hope my suite is freaking co-ed...I wouldn't be able to be in such close quarters with only girls...ugh.
I've been looking all over facebook for my suite-mates, but I can't seem to find them. It makes me sad, because I want to know!!!
So anyway. I feel so blah. I just wanna go to college now, and leave everything else behind. Start anew, you know? I just hope that I make a good impression at first at the school, so everything can go well after that...
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, it seems like I have so much to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. Like calling my mom, or visiting my grandparents, or mowing the lawn...it's not like I don't wanna do those things...I'm just lazy I guess...
I can't think of anything else to write...
Until later...
美知子
No! There's no way I can love him. He doesn't understand me! At all! It doesn't even seem like he cares...
Whatever, I can't wait for college.
I found out where I'm living on campus and who my room mate is. I bought a fridge and a microwave AND A BEANBAG CHAIR. I'm so excited.
I hope my suite is freaking co-ed...I wouldn't be able to be in such close quarters with only girls...ugh.
I've been looking all over facebook for my suite-mates, but I can't seem to find them. It makes me sad, because I want to know!!!
So anyway. I feel so blah. I just wanna go to college now, and leave everything else behind. Start anew, you know? I just hope that I make a good impression at first at the school, so everything can go well after that...
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, it seems like I have so much to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. Like calling my mom, or visiting my grandparents, or mowing the lawn...it's not like I don't wanna do those things...I'm just lazy I guess...
I can't think of anything else to write...
Until later...
美知子
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