I'm really glad I started packing on Sunday, 'cause otherwise I'd have to scramble to get everything together...
Yeah so for the past couple of days I've just been casually packing. but now that I leave in two days (!!!) I'm sort of wondering how I'm supposed to put all of this stuff together. I went to my dorm room yesterday. The suite itself is really awesome, but my room is kinda small. So I lofted my bed and put the desk under it to make some more space. My keyboard also has to go in there, plus all the rest of my stuff. I think my bean bag chair will have to go out into the common room (the living room-ish area in the suite).
As for my love life, the guy hasn't talked to me in a while. Not that I'm unhappy, really. I'm not sure why, but I'm almost ok with it. No, I know why. It's because I realized... and accepted... that there are a lot of potential boyfriends that I could get in college, ones that would treat me a hell of a lot better. (Actually I'm incredibly attracted to the guy who helped me loft my bed yesterday ^_^) Oh, and my suite IS co-ed. The bad thing about that...I haven't told my dad...and he's the one helping me move in...So I'm not really sure how that's going to work out.
Ok so a couple of things are bothering me... one is the whole my ex-boy is not talking to me even though we agreed to be friends. Two is that I still haven't applied for my loans...I have to wait for my dad to get home in order to do that though. Three is that my step-mom is bitching at me to clean the house, when I'm like "What the fucking hell, I'm leaving in two days and I'm the only one who cleans, so you want me to clean the house so it can be less like a pigsty for longer? Why don't you have the people who make the messes clean it up?" Ok I did'n't actually say that, but I was thinking it. So she says that if the house is still a mess when she gets home, she's leaving and never coming back. So I *thought* to myself "Great, if you wanna be that childish to do something like that, be my guest." I'm a slight pushover when it comes to her though (try being scared of someone you live with for about 10 years, you'll know what I mean) so I'm going to actually clean and she also wants me to do inventory for the burnt house today >.< . Four... (yeah I know three was kinda long) is that I need to freaking pack... and I'm feeling a little pressed for time...
In other news. I'm reading Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. Half-way through. V. good book. Also reading Kare Kano...LOVE. I'm kinda absorbed in that, so I'm not reading Good in Bed as much. But I really wanna finish both so I can read the Twilight series...the one that EVERYONE is in love with. Based on my previous experiences, I'm bound to love it and obsessively read it over and over... but we'll see. LOL
So I've found that I'm much more happy nowadays, no matter what stupid shit goes on from everyone else. My *real* friends make me happy, and I guess I've been making myself happy too. Going to college might be part of it, as well.
Anyway, I'd better go clean before I get bitched out again. Then more packing! JOY. I'm also making collages and stuff to decorate my dorm with.... Should be a busy but fun rest of the day...
またね
美知子
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
*Sigh*
Alright, so I ended up talking to him. And now, I feel like an idiot. So surprising, right?
He keeps hurting me...even when we're just friends...I don't know if it's because I still love him or something, but he doesn't even seem to act like a good friend to me. It's like, "ok, I demoted myself to just friends status," and he acts like he doesn't even want to be that. Even my just regular friends, not even my best friends treat me better than he does...
You know what I really need? Someone new. Someone who will treat me like I should be treated. Someone who will actually care.
I think I can find that person really easily. Especially at college. By the way, I move in on Friday! Yay!
Anyway, it's not like I can just forget about him or erase him from my life. I kinda want him to be a part of it, but the way he's been treating me makes me feel like I should just try to find a replacement (as if that's possible, but maybe...)
I think I talk too much about my love life. It's not like there's anything else that's going on in my life worth mentioning, really. I've been shopping lately for college. I hang out with my friends sometimes...I feel a lot better hanging out with them. It makes me feel like I can get over him...but whenever I'm not with them...a little bit more difficult.
He really doesn't understand my feelings at all. He doesn't understand that I get upset when he makes it seem like he doesn't want to see me, or doesn't like me. I'm almost angry at him for not trying...I think he just doesn't really know what to feel. He still talks to me...and makes a point to talk to me...but I can't detect any hint of him caring for me, other than that...
He said before that when he got into a relationship, he had to be serious about it. I feel the opposite way. I wouldn't want a relationship to begin seriously...I want something fun to turn into something serious. So, in college, I'm going to try and get into some good, fun relationships, and if something happens from there, then great. If nothing serious happens, I'm having fun anyway.
I know now that I will NEVER, EVER cheat on whoever I'm with. I know just how much it hurts when someone does that to you...and I would rather die than put someone through that pain.
I swear I'm going to try and make the posts happier. When I get to college, I'm sure they will be...
またね
美知子
He keeps hurting me...even when we're just friends...I don't know if it's because I still love him or something, but he doesn't even seem to act like a good friend to me. It's like, "ok, I demoted myself to just friends status," and he acts like he doesn't even want to be that. Even my just regular friends, not even my best friends treat me better than he does...
You know what I really need? Someone new. Someone who will treat me like I should be treated. Someone who will actually care.
I think I can find that person really easily. Especially at college. By the way, I move in on Friday! Yay!
Anyway, it's not like I can just forget about him or erase him from my life. I kinda want him to be a part of it, but the way he's been treating me makes me feel like I should just try to find a replacement (as if that's possible, but maybe...)
I think I talk too much about my love life. It's not like there's anything else that's going on in my life worth mentioning, really. I've been shopping lately for college. I hang out with my friends sometimes...I feel a lot better hanging out with them. It makes me feel like I can get over him...but whenever I'm not with them...a little bit more difficult.
He really doesn't understand my feelings at all. He doesn't understand that I get upset when he makes it seem like he doesn't want to see me, or doesn't like me. I'm almost angry at him for not trying...I think he just doesn't really know what to feel. He still talks to me...and makes a point to talk to me...but I can't detect any hint of him caring for me, other than that...
He said before that when he got into a relationship, he had to be serious about it. I feel the opposite way. I wouldn't want a relationship to begin seriously...I want something fun to turn into something serious. So, in college, I'm going to try and get into some good, fun relationships, and if something happens from there, then great. If nothing serious happens, I'm having fun anyway.
I know now that I will NEVER, EVER cheat on whoever I'm with. I know just how much it hurts when someone does that to you...and I would rather die than put someone through that pain.
I swear I'm going to try and make the posts happier. When I get to college, I'm sure they will be...
またね
美知子
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Why?!
Three days! Three fucking days and it feels like 3 months...I hate myself for wanting and needing him, it's not fair. Why can't I just let it all go? It's because I'm not only not talking to someone I loved and had an intimate relationship with, but one of my best friends...I talked to him so much and he was the only person I could really enjoy talking to...I want to talk to him so much I feel like I'm going to break down...
But if I talk to him...what am I supposed to do? Keep getting hurt...stay in love with him and never experience someone else? Why, why, why can't I have someone like him right now who didn't hurt me?
If I talk to him, I'll hate myself. If I don't talk to him...I'll just be depressed. I can't stop thinking about him.
By not talking to him, am I just avoiding him? Am I avoiding what I really feel? What am I supposed to do?
But if I talk to him...what am I supposed to do? Keep getting hurt...stay in love with him and never experience someone else? Why, why, why can't I have someone like him right now who didn't hurt me?
If I talk to him, I'll hate myself. If I don't talk to him...I'll just be depressed. I can't stop thinking about him.
By not talking to him, am I just avoiding him? Am I avoiding what I really feel? What am I supposed to do?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Are You Ready for This?
Ok here goes.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...
I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.
So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...
I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...
Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.
So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.
So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.
I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.
Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...
またね
美知子
He doesn't give a flying fuck about me. I thought he cared for me a little bit, but no..he doesn't. We had everything that makes a relationship except the titles, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, then kinda took it back...
NOW he's told me that he had sex twice with his ex-BOYFRIEND! After I told him I loved him...you'd think he'd be considerate enough to let me go, to stop being so freaking intimate with me...but no! he kept it from me for a couple of weeks! And I've been denying the pain he's put me through, but now it's all crashing down on me in one huge tsunami of hurt. My heart crumbled, shattered, disintegrated...
I don't ever want to feel that pain again. He was everything I wanted. Though the tiny fragment of the heart that belonged to him, which still remains, is denying it, I will never be able to have him. It hurts to know that I will get nothing that I want. So I decided with my friends' help that I would cut off contact with him...for a few months at least. I need to stop loving him if I can. If I can't? I won't ever talk to him again. I devoted the last year of my life to him, and I feel so STUPID now for doing so. The only thing I wanted was for him to be happy, if he had called me in the middle of the night saying he wanted me there, I would have been there. I don't know if there was anything I wouldn't have done for him. And that scares me. It scares me that I could be so devoted to someone. But maybe that's what love is? Devoting every cell in your body to someone. So, if I love him this much...how do I get over that? I said I would come back to him as his friend...but...can I really come back having fallen out of love? I don't know if my heart wants to let go of that love.
So I need to find someone else to love. Someone I can find that will devote themselves to me, like I would do for them. Someone who won't hurt me. Someone who respects me...Someone who won't treat me like I'm DISPOSABLE...
I saw him one last time to say goodbye...I didn't cry until I was walking away...luckily one of my best friends was there with me to support me...and she let me cry...then after I was done, we went out and had a blast. She made me laugh so hard I cried...It will be her and the other friends I have around me that will get me through this...
Did I say this already? A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Those who have not experienced this disease doesn't know what it's like to be sad ALL THE TIME. Day in and day out, all tears and sadness. Problems I couldn't solve...people I couldn't stand. I took comfort in, regrettably, my OCD. I would watch movies in my room over and over and over, until I could recite the lines word for word. That was my vice, that's how I escaped the sadness. It was wrong. I couldn't face the sadness so I avoided it. Shit...that's kinda what I'm doing now, isn't it? But what else am I going to do? If I keep loving him, I'm just going to get hurt again and again. The morning after he confessed to me, I woke up, and that same sadness, the way my body felt, numb and heavy and lifeless...that's how I felt. That sadness is one of the worst memories for me, I NEVER wanted to feel it ever EVER again. He forced me...to feel it. So I need to stop loving him...I forgave him, I always do...but how many more times will I need to forgive him if I keep loving him? Doesn't he not deserve my love? He doesn't understand how much I love him or how much I devote myself to him.
So now it's only been two days, but it feels like two weeks. I can't imagine myself getting through this, but I'm going to give it my all. No matter how much it hurts...
But he made me relive the thing that I had been pushing myself away from.
So I've decided. Until I find someone new, and even after maybe. I won't contact him at all. Until I fall out of love...I can't. And you know what. I've decided to pick up tennis. Not even kidding. I'm going to learn and start playing it. It will be my new vice, and it's a healthy one too. My university has great indoor tennis courts, and I hope I can play at least a couple of times a week. I also just emailed the tennis instructor asking if she would give me lessons. So far I've only played by myself against a brick wall, but hopefully my dad can find some time to play with me eventually.
I'm going to go play again tomorrow morning. I think I picked a good vice.
Sorry about how long this rant was...it was long coming though...
またね
美知子
Saturday, August 9, 2008
BAH. BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH!!!!
No! There's no way I can love him. He doesn't understand me! At all! It doesn't even seem like he cares...
Whatever, I can't wait for college.
I found out where I'm living on campus and who my room mate is. I bought a fridge and a microwave AND A BEANBAG CHAIR. I'm so excited.
I hope my suite is freaking co-ed...I wouldn't be able to be in such close quarters with only girls...ugh.
I've been looking all over facebook for my suite-mates, but I can't seem to find them. It makes me sad, because I want to know!!!
So anyway. I feel so blah. I just wanna go to college now, and leave everything else behind. Start anew, you know? I just hope that I make a good impression at first at the school, so everything can go well after that...
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, it seems like I have so much to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. Like calling my mom, or visiting my grandparents, or mowing the lawn...it's not like I don't wanna do those things...I'm just lazy I guess...
I can't think of anything else to write...
Until later...
美知子
No! There's no way I can love him. He doesn't understand me! At all! It doesn't even seem like he cares...
Whatever, I can't wait for college.
I found out where I'm living on campus and who my room mate is. I bought a fridge and a microwave AND A BEANBAG CHAIR. I'm so excited.
I hope my suite is freaking co-ed...I wouldn't be able to be in such close quarters with only girls...ugh.
I've been looking all over facebook for my suite-mates, but I can't seem to find them. It makes me sad, because I want to know!!!
So anyway. I feel so blah. I just wanna go to college now, and leave everything else behind. Start anew, you know? I just hope that I make a good impression at first at the school, so everything can go well after that...
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, it seems like I have so much to do, but I can't bring myself to do it. Like calling my mom, or visiting my grandparents, or mowing the lawn...it's not like I don't wanna do those things...I'm just lazy I guess...
I can't think of anything else to write...
Until later...
美知子
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Alright. So, Now What?
Ok. We broke it off. Just friends now. But...I still love him. Oh well. I'll find someone else at college, right? I really need attention and affection. Just my personality, I suppose. I'll get over it. I'll need to study at college, I shouldn't worry about finding a significant other.
So I'm visiting my mother in Virginia. It's been a lot of fun. We went shopping for college stuff today, because there was no sales tax this weekend. It was great! I got a comforter, stationery and supplies, and a bunch of other stuff for my dorm. I feel so excited now!
Plus! I got into a residential living community arts program called Anime as an Art Form. It wasn't the Japanese program that I wanted to get into but it was my second choice so I'm happy. College is going to be amazing. Or at least I hope it will be. I suppose things are what you make of them, though. So I'll make this experience amazing.
Well I have a headache, so I'm off for now...
またね
美知子です
So I'm visiting my mother in Virginia. It's been a lot of fun. We went shopping for college stuff today, because there was no sales tax this weekend. It was great! I got a comforter, stationery and supplies, and a bunch of other stuff for my dorm. I feel so excited now!
Plus! I got into a residential living community arts program called Anime as an Art Form. It wasn't the Japanese program that I wanted to get into but it was my second choice so I'm happy. College is going to be amazing. Or at least I hope it will be. I suppose things are what you make of them, though. So I'll make this experience amazing.
Well I have a headache, so I'm off for now...
またね
美知子です
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