Ah, New Post

I just happen to feel like posting. I'm sorry I unleashed some emotions in the last post; I've pretty much sorted those out...

So I'm studying Japanese right now, or I was before. I really should be writing an essay, but I just love Japanese so much, I like studying for it. Granted, this is being much more productive than I was 3 hours ago. I was supposed to be doing my calculus homework, but instead I placed my forehead against my wall and stood there. I've been deemed the most unproductive procrastinator in the history of the world... which is true for the most part.

So back to Japanese... I like the way it sounds. It can be a really cute language, and it can be a really pissed-off sounding language. It's great. And it's pretty simple to learn, I think. It's just all these damn kanji! Grr...

Man, I'm tired. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon, so I shouldn't be so tired. It's okay, though. I've got soda.

I suppose I'm going to go work on my essay. Or study Japanese some more...

Mata ne!

FUUUUUCK!!!

Why?! Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why do people have to ruin what I try so hard to get? I just try and try and try and I get nothing out of it. I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do...

I'm not the person I want to be... or rather, I'm not the person that I think everyone else wants me to be...

So I've been noticing that I have been shutting out some people and aspects of my life that used to be there before. I've condensed my world to be smaller (in some ways) than it used to be. I'm not sure if this change is good. I feel like a lot of people want me to be integrated into their lives, and I only want to be a part of a few of them. I like my world to be smaller, but people get hurt when I push them out of my main circle. I try and try to condense the circle, and people keep trying to pull the perimeter out to encompass them. I don't want them to hate me because I still like them; but, for me, it's so hard to deal with everyone. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own life, and to have to try to deal with a lot of other people's is hard. That's not to say that I don't like helping people out, but the number of people that I can help is limited. There are things that I want to do, and right now, I'm trying to make sure that I'm happy, because if I'm not happy, the people around me are affected. So I'm not sure who to cater to: myself, or the people around me?

So that's my thought for today. As for the shallower thoughts, my boyfriend hasn't talked to me in 2 days, but he said that he would call me yesterday, and he didn't. And he didn't talk to me today, either. So I'm sad. I'm also over-reacting big time. I know he's probably busy (except that today is Friday, so not many people would be doing homework and things) but I can't help feeling like he's being rude by not answering his phone or sending me a text saying that he's too busy to talk or something. Any sign that he's still alive, and acknowledges that I'm here, would be okay with me. *Sigh* Again, I'm over-reacting a little.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a really great show. "Enemies" is a great episode. ^_^

I'm a little depressive right now. It happens when I don't get to talk to him. And when I'm under stress. A lot of people are asking a lot of things from me, and a lot of people are driving me up the wall with their annoying-ness. So maybe it's a combination of sadness, annoyance, and all around being stressed-out that's gotten me down lately. I hope it all changes, and soon.

Wow...

Okay, so maybe I don't have to worry as much as I have been. He seems to really love me, and he doesn't want to leave me. He knows that the future is unpredictable... but he told me he won't leave me anytime soon. As vague as that sounds, it's still really comforting to know that he'll be around for a while. We're being as optimistic as possible. So I'm content for the moment.

Or am I?

I'm not content with this stupid bronchitis. It's disrupting my paying attention in class, and making my taste buds go all out of whack. I just keep coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing, and it just doesn't stop! It's driving me nuts.

Oh! So today, I got back my English essay. The highest grade in the class was a B. My grade was a B. I think I did pretty well. Also, we got our Art History exams back. I got an 89. Pretty good, considering that a LOT of people failed.

Tomorrow I have a kanji quiz. So I need to study for that. All this silly kanji. I think it's the most difficult aspect of the Japanese language. Everything else is pretty easy peasy. BTW, "easy peasy" is the phrase of choice for me right now.

Well that's all the news I have to update you with.

Mata ne.

Is this what it's come to?

Some information has come to my attention which has caused me to delete this post. Sorry.

Hold the phone!

Whoa. What a weekend. I visited my boyfriend in New York and it was AMAZING...
I know he's not going to read this so I guess I can just say... I think he's the one. The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know he doesn't feel as strongly about me, at least not yet, which makes me a little sad but I'll get over it. I was so sad to leave him this morning. I cried at the train station as I was saying goodbye. And then I cried on the train, too. It's so strange how love changes you. I used to not be so emotional. I really really love him. I wanted to apply to his college so I could be with him, but there are many reasons why I just couldn't do that. I would love to change my life for him, but what if he stops loving me? I'm just left with a life that I'm not happy with, and that wouldn't do me any good. If I could guarantee that I wasn't risking that much to be with him, I would totally go to where he is... but the fact is that I would be risking a lot, so I just can't. :(
I've got bronchitis, and it sucks. It seems to have gotten worse on the train back. I hate coughing. It sucks a lot. I'm gonna sleep...

Alright...

Okay, so let's get down to business.
Thing numero uno: I'm sick right now. I haven't posted in a while so I didn't mention that I had bronchitis during finals week. And now I'm afraid that I might have it again, which is SO not cool. Actually it sucks. All the balls. Except for Edward's. And maybe Angel's. Yeah I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. My stomach kinda hurts.
Anyway. So other than that, school is going really well. I decided to change my major. It seems that Music Ed. just wasn't for me. I decided to go down the career path of Business Administration, which seems a bit more practical to me. And everything's going pretty well. I used to HATE math with a passion but now that I'm taking Calculus, I kinda like it, it's pretty chill. And I'm starting to wonder why EVERYONE isn't taking Economics, because that just seems like the most common sense class ever.
And the best thing ever? That guy... you know, the one I had a fit over? Decided he wanted to date me. We're now going out. And I'm the happiest that I've been in a long time, and he tells me that he's really happy, too. You know what? He might be "the one". And I really hope so. I hope we can stay together forever. I know it's a lot to ask, and it might not happen, but I can still hope. I want to do everything I can to keep us together. I don't want anyone else but him. He says he loves me, and I hope he loves me forever. But you never know, he could fall out of love, and I'd be pretty heartbroken. But at least I know that for now, we're happy, and that's all I want. We talk so much and I'm going to see him this weekend (Valentine's Day ^_-) even though I'm sick. I'm just so happy I can't even explain it. I feel so great!
I'll post more later. It's time for some sleepage, so I can get better.

Okay, So I haven't exactly posted in about 5 months...

Yeah, it's been a while.
Twilight movie... actually isn't that good. It was the first two times I saw it, but then I realized what a horrible directing job it had. Too many close shots... I don't particularly want to look at someone's face that much, even if it is Rob Pattinson... JEEZ.
I think I'm going to end this post here. I just needed to rant on that a little. And it would be awkward to talk about the next subject following that whole deal.